I am a woman and I am an expert at faking. I go to great efforts to conceal my insecurities and my flaws. But it’s about time I reveal it all. At 8 years old I was involved in a sport focused on weight, at 11 years old I was molested, at 14 I went through puberty and at 15 I developed an eating disorder. While I don’t let these events define me, they have shaped and influenced my body image and the way I value myself. I’m not stick thin, I have a lot of curves and some muscle. My weight is constantly fluctuating and there are days that I appreciate my body and am proud of the things that it can do, but a lot of the time I hate my body.
I’m an athlete and exercise makes me feel good about my shape, yet I feel hideous in workout clothes. I feel ugly with my hair in a pony tail. I feel ugly in a t-shirt and I feel ugly without makeup on. The parts of my body that I like the most are my breasts. I’m even self-conscious about these. Unfortunately they are sisters, not twins. The left one is significantly bigger than the right. I’m afraid that when I’m naked or even in a bathing suit that my mismatched bosoms are the only thing people look at. Most of all, I hate when strange men stare at them.
I hate catcalls, they make me feel filthy. Until around 18, the thought of being intimate with guys made me feel dirty and wrong. Now, sometimes I worry that someday I'll become a sex addict because I crave intimacy and without it I don't feel loved. My view of intimacy didn't quite develop normally. I'm still learning that my sexuality is not dirty and can actually be beautiful and freeing. Even though I’m self-conscious, I worry that when I’m dating, the guy is only interested in my looks and all things physical. He doesn’t know that I’m also smart and caring, and selfless. I still have a lot of body issues but I am so proud of myself for overcoming an eating disorder. I’m proud of myself for realizing I don’t need a lover to feel good about myself or to validate that I am worthy. I’m proud about learning to put myself first before men and for having aspirations other than being the ideal woman for a man. Even though it seems like I have a lot of negativity on my mind, I love my friends for valuing me in ways that make me feel extraordinary and for inspiring me to be a good friend. I love my family and my friends, and I'm working towards loving my body and myself.